Saturday, March 12, 2016

Quiet Saturday...........

Today it is rainy and warm, and I could be out more.  Today I have two of my three laundry baskets full, and I could do laundry.  Today I have nothing bakes, and I could bake. 
BUT.....I am having a quiet Saturday.  My husband is out of town for the day, my dogs are restful as they don't care to go outdoors much in the rain, and I am tired.  I had several long and difficult days.  Today I told myself..."Self, not hey you, you need to relax and rest".  So I decided I don't need my laundry done today or things baked or my floor even swept.  In fact, I don't need to get out of my pajamas either.  

My menu so far for the day has been to rest, read, rest, knit, rest, drink coffee, rest, play with my Hemingway (yorkie), rest, eat nachos for lunch, rest, drink some FRENCH roast coffee made in my vintage perculator, rest and get online.  So my plans for later are to rest, drink more coffee, rest, color, rest, read, rest, eat dinner, rest, watch some television, and rest, drink a glass of wine, and then tell myself, "Self, not hey you, I did it.  It is wonderful when I can plan the day and actually pull it off". 

Hoping your Saturday is restful, and full of fun as mine has been.  I know I enjoyed mine so far and know I wait to enjoy my glass of wine.  Some days it is looking forward to that first cup of coffee and the glass of wine at night that makes the day special.  That is called being "de-stressed".

Thursday, March 10, 2016


Changes in life can be a real challenge, but many are also for our own good. Losses are the same.  I have a number of friends who have lost loved ones, not just loved ones that were elderly and expected to die soon, but loved ones, young and with many years to fill lives with laughter and joy.  Many have lost children. I see and I hear and I listen, never sharing my loss of my youngest child, my daughter, Jacquelyn.  

Jacquelyn was born in 1974, the third of my children, following a son born in 1968 and a daughter in 1971.  Each child is a gift from GOD and is special in their own ways.  My two oldest children are that also and they give me joy and laughter and tears and "life".  I am blessed to have both living close, one seven miles away and the other only 25 miles away.  We do not "overcome" each others lives, but know we are there for each other and love each other and get together for special things and then also just to drop in and say "hi".  Grown grandchildren, ages 23, 21, 20, 18, and 13 also do this.  It has been fun watching and even helping with raising them.  Grandparents get a second try at doing something right in the lives of a little one, "so fresh from GOD."

My Jacquelyn got married, had two children, and moved here from many other places they had lived.  She moved about 50 minutes away.  My Jacquelyn wanted to be around family.  My Jacquelyn called daily.  My Jacquelyn came to see me at least every other week or expected me to come that way.  My Jacquelyn, smart, beautiful, and vibrant.  How does one loss a child like this, or any child.  We are suppose to be the ones that are gone first.  My Jacquelyn went into the Navy.  My Jacquelyn got a nursing degree and beyond.  

My Jacquelyn was also sexually abused by her biological dad, as was my oldest daughter.  She then was kicked and beaten by an older man that she decided to date and love.  I would like to say she left him, well she did a time or two, but usually went back.  I believe she finally decided to leave the area, going into the Navy, to really get away from him.  There she was also left by other co-workers, on the beach, alone, and a navy man came up and raped her.  She reported it, went the process, and was damaged much by trying to get help.  She then, after being a reporter, a model in her teens and in the navy, became anorexic.  It was something she could control.  She could not control men, not men in her life it seems, from her dad to boyfriend, to co-workers.  They sent her home for a few weeks to rest and recover from one bad episode.  

This disease affects your body and your mind.  I was working in social work and went to see a counselor about it, as she was coming home to me, to her family, and I wanted to do things right.  Things did not always go right during that visit and she was "sort of" shut away from all of us.  Then she got married to a sailor, was on the road to recover when he was shipped out for six months shortly after they got married.  Again she had a bout with this body and mind damage, or control.  She got counseling and then was dismissed from the navy, saying she harmed her back....but it was more her mental state I believe.

After all that, she became very angry.  Who could blame her for being angry, but it is what you do with your anger.  I was angry about it also.  I put her dad out of the house, got her help, and her sister, checked into legal issues, and was talked into just going on and moving and getting on with my life and theirs.  One daughter was actually told that it would be a good thing to get into computer study and work.  Then we were all told that they loved their dad and forgave him and we also needed to do so.  He was welcome at church.....I say, "watch your children at any organized religious things".   My daughters both began to not like church, church men, then men.

One daughter got married and that worked for six years.  She has had five marriages and lots of issues with men.  Finally at age 45, she is coming into herself and moving to a better place.  My Jacquelyn just got more into herself and after she had her two beautiful daughters, well, she went back into her anorexia.  She was 5'7" and weighted 104 pounds....skeleton but still a beauty to me.  Her husband liked her look and bought her lots of stylish clothing....the model....but I told him she was sick and could die. He told me it was "none of my damn business".  But it was.

Things progressed.  She continued to not like church people, not just men.  Then she singled out people, including me, and then other family members.  It was a roller coaster of a time.  Ten years ago, well, eleven in December of 2016, was the last time I saw my daughter, alive, but not well, in my dining room.  Then the last time I spoke with her were many hateful and heart wrenching conversations by phone.  They moved to Kansas and I visited twice, but not very good times for sure.  I did lots of praying.  

It was that year that I lost her.  She mailed back cards, letters, would not answer my phone calls, and even sent back Christmas gifts for the family.  She had tried religion, other then the legalistic one we had been, but then went to more liberal and even Jewish and Unitarian for a bit.  Then nothing.  

So, I lost my daughter.  You see, all of you that I have not told this.  All of you that have lost children, young or grown.  You understand.  I listened and cried with some of you.  I hugged you and held your hands and went to gravesites and houses of these children, now gone.  But I never shared with a one of you that I lost my youngest daughter.  It has been over ten years now.  I am telling you now, because I am still working on some healing.  It has been hard. 

The twist is, you see, you lost your child, and I lost my child...but I lost my child to anger, sexual abuse, hate of self, disease of trying to control a part of her world, rejection, and abandonment.  I lost My Jacquelyn some ten years ago, but she is very much live with her husband and two growing daughters, living in the east, smart, beautiful, and full of rejection of her past....not healing of her past....rejection.  It is how she has handled it and how she is healing.  

My prayer, and I still do pray, even if I do not like organized religion any more, is that she comes to peace with herself and with GOD.  She never has to speak or see me again.  But living with no peace and with hate causes her so much pain.  I love her and want that peace for her heart and soul.  For her, not for anyone else.

Rest in PEACE,  MY Jacquelyn.