OH, I HAVE MY DAYS, and Concerns!

Is it only me, well I am hoping so, because it is no fun and pretty frustrating to think that I am the only functioning adult person in my family.  Really, if you are in this life, I will pray for you also as I pray for myself.  I do not believe I am that exceptional that I can think, tell the truth, manage stress and function with it, and be kind and caring, thinking of others feelings, realizing we are all people who make mistakes, and when I do, the I admit it and don't excuse it away or lie about it, I just admit it, and say I will do better.

Here is the thing,  when you admit that and try to do better, you may still fail from time to time, but I, for one, am so tired of people trying to blame others, make excuses (which are just lies), or totally look you in the face and lie.  This is my family, what they have become and it shames me to think that it keeps going on and on and one.

By example I do believe people learn, but what if they do not.  It does not seem my family has learned anything about my example. They have gone on to have their own, which is not so great, and, in fact, their children have learned from their examples.  Where did my children go array????

Example, simple things:  One afternoon plans are set to go berry picking at 9:00, they set the time, and we say it several times before they leave.  Then I send a message also, "See you at 9:00."  Not because I just could not help myself to text my family or message them....no, because I have come to know they need a remind.  They respond, yes, see you at 9:00.  Next morning it is 9:40 and I get a call.....aahh, I forgot did we say 9:30 or 10:00.  This person knows but tries to make an excuse.  I calmly say 9:00 and they say, oh, sorry, I forgot, and I will be right there.  Right there is of course 20 minutes later.  Now, I need to be calm, make a point, however.  So I get out of my berry picking clothing and get other clothes on for my day.  I water some plants, I pick the cucumbers and weed my little garden.  I even take some photos and play with my dogs.  I pick the berries in our patch by the shed.  They arrive.  Now my grandson tells me that he is sorry but he just did not recall what time I said.  "I said.".  Then his girlfriend backs him up by saying she did not recall either.  We have a discussion about this as they can see I am not ready to go berry picking with a skirt and nice top on and sandals.  I told them I had been ready and looking forward to it, but this situation of them always being late needs to spot.  If they had to go to work, they would have to get up and go... (both have lost jobs due to being late so I am trying to make a point).  My grandson says it is just so frustrating at home and they are not organized or on time every.  I told him not to blame it on others, as he is an adult now and can do better if he wants to.  Now that excuse did not work so he tries another, telling me that his mother did not come as the three dogs were gone so she had to stay home and look for them.  She had let them all out at once when they got up and knows better, but now they ran off.  Then he says, no, Sadie is back, the old blind doxie.  So my question is why did you not stay and help her, also knowing that the two of them do not get along well.  But really.  The real problem is they are not to let the dogs out all together as they do run.  One of their beagles ran with the other for a day and never did come back or was found.  The other really troubling issue for me is that one of the dogs that is gone is my friend/neighbor's dog, which they have had to care for as a summer job for my granddaughter (who this week was a camp and her mom was going to care for).  This dog is very important to my friend.  She is out of the country, and I told her that I thought they could do a good job of carrying for him.  He would be safe.  They were to be taking him out on a leash, not just running and not with the group.  I was quite upset as I was the one who said they would do okay and he would be safe.  Grandson says that his mom was just home cleaning the floor before going to look for them, but he came "berry picking".....really.  Now I told them to go berry picking and I would go help look for the dog. 

In it all I called my husband who was in town and he decided that he would come home the back way and check roads and ditches for the dogs.  I got to their house and no one was there.  Then there beagle came running to me, no collar one, and panting.  No sign of other dogs.  I called and called and walked some.  I got in the truck and headed down the road, calling my daughter in law about it.  No answer.  Then she calls back in about ten minutes, while I was looking elsewhere for the dog.  She says nothing about the dogs, but I do, and she says yes they were gone for some time, but the beagle came back and then Ben.  So she had him in the bathroom as he was wet and full of burrs.  I told her I had come to help look for him as I had told them that he would be safe there and I felt responsible.  She said that I could take him home to our house and take care of him and it would not bother her one bit.  (I had already told my husband that he was coming home with me, because this could happen again in another month of their care.)  So I jumped on that and said yes I would take him home with me.  When I got there she was talking about things a mile a minute and throwing his things together.  I asked for him  and she got him out of the bathroom, so I put him in the truck and some of his things.  She brought the rest out....still talking and excitable.  I give her a hug and head to the truck and she walks away with arms in arm saying,  "Yes, the important thing is to have a "dog" safe!".

What was that all about....like I caused any of this.  I did not have to have a discussion with her about taking the dog with me.  She brought it up and I said yes.

He is home here, with our 4 dogs and a nice fenced large backyard and dog door.  I was hoping this would work out for my granddaughter who is 14 and could earn some money and have fun with him.  Now I am the one at my home with an extra dog (which I don't mind as I would do that for my friend or neighbor), but I have an extra dog, family who are upset, and at me.  I feel badly that my granddaughter will be missing fun with him and learn responsibiltiy of caring for him and earning funds also.  I feel badly that her mother acted irresponsible.  In fact I learned that both she and my grandson were still sleeping when people were coming to go berry picking so they got up and dressed and dogs went out the door for morning time all together....because, they were not responsible enough to get up in the morning, be on time, do the things they should be doing.

Dysfunction wears me out and then bad feelings, hurt feelings to be mended.  I am tired of it and yet don't know what to do about it but stand up to it each and every time things happen like this.  If she would have taken responsibility and said it was her fault and thanks for coming to help and I should have leashed him and taken him out......but no....and now my granddaughter tells me by a message that it was her fault as she should have told her mother to be careful with him.   See any common sense or responsibilty here??????I don't, again, blame going to all the people who are not the blame.  Too much, too much, too much.

Hoping you see this example and work on your examples with your people.  I just get floored by these daily, weekly things.....is there hope???????

My Family Times:

It seemed that our family was getting a little "snarly" at each other.  In fact, it was hard for me to enjoy having them over all together.  After our Easter get to gether, I nicely let them all know that maybe it would be better to get together one on one.  I told them that I knew I would enjoy that more.  I do enjoy that more and love having those one on one talks.  It seems that after discussing with them about caring more and being more appreciative, and listening to others, and just plain being nice, well, they did listen and they did care.  They knew that I was not putting up with things anymore the way there had gotten to be.  It is also nice to know that when I speak, firmly, kindly, and with deep concern, things can happen and change.  It is nice people make an effort.  How wonderful it would be if the rest of the world would do this, but I do believe it starts in each home!

For our little corner of the world.....well, we had a great fireworks and meal and July 4th.  It was only a few times I had to move something out of danger of all the people, like my fig trees potted and placed on the back patio that they seemed to keep running into...and once said they could not swim today....really....it was 65.

Believing that at age 68, I am a better and smarter, and richer in detail and care about how my life is with relationships, I am thankful that things turned out this way.  I also just reunited with a long time friend, who was nasty to me during the time my husband was ill, two years ago, with cancer.  She lacked caring and understanding and even listening, but after my again and again and again trying to make this friendship reunite, I am so pleased that just this week we talked on the phone for almost an hour.  I left another card and message at her door, and this time, well, she called.  We actually talked about getting together, and I said when, and we planned to do something this Saturday.  It is amazing and I feel so blessed.

All of this is posted to let people know that sometimes it does work that relationships and families and friends can work and care enough to fix things.  At  times it takes you to speak out as to how it will work for you and for them.  You have to compromise and especially listen.  I am thankful to have those qualities.  There are people in your life that will work with you also.  Don't give up, keep trying and praying.  

Together we can start mending our little parts of the world.  I have enough faith and hope for both of us, so as I used to say to friends of mine.......you can borrow some of my "hope", I have plenty.

My Little Garden Grows

For years we had a very large garden, while I worked a full time job and had a daughter and her children live with us, or also had foster children, and horses and dogs.  You get the picture.  Work and more work.  I enjoyed the produce and canned and we ate lots and shared even more.  How those cucumbers grow so fast and so many I will never understand.  I also had a large potato patch, which is easy once planted and then you reap such great "spuds" from it.  I grow the red ones.  By July 4th, our guests are looking forward to sinking their teeth into my homemade, fresh red potato, Potato salad.  I always make enough to send some home with people who don't make it or have the red potatoes.  It is always a treat for the people in my knitting circle this time of year to have me plop down my knitting basket and my old striped metal bottomed folding basket (one like many stores used to have at the door for you to use instead of a cart).  I fill it up most days this time of the year with potatoes in zip locks plus other things like cucumbers, and herbs.  My group likes to see who gets what and then the next week, they will take home different things.  I am blessed to see them so delighted.

However, after I retired and actually had more time and energy, I cut my garden down, seeding in the whole large garden with grass....I always wonder why people have such big yards.  I really should rent out garden spots instead, but not sure I want to deal with that many people.  It is something I need to think about.  Oh, I am sorry, my mind went for a skip!   Well, I took the zinna flower bed, about 6 x 6 feet, around the flagpole and made it my "little garden".  I have 3 tomato plants, 4 cucumber plants, 4 pepper plants, and a whole corner of varied herbs.  It is easy and fun to care for, weed, water when needed and pick.  I really have been enjoying it.  I have to admit, this gardener did not give up her potato patch.  I now have three of the six rows of potatoes dug.  They are so so good.

Beautiful Blooms:

 I have several colors of Hollyhocks and enjoy them.

 Prickly Pear has grown lots this year and has more blooms then I have every seen on one plant before.  Love the color.  The Yucca is such a soft yellow which makes it elegant I feel.

BLOOMING AND P ICKING

It is hot in my part of the world, so today, when it is again almost 100, with expected and needed rain, I spent much of the day inside putting things back together in rooms I painted yesterday and early morning....meaning 5:00.  I get up early with my dogs.  But it is fun to be out on the patio with the birds singing morning songs and the hummers starting to fly past me.  I also get to see many beautiful sunrises.    To follow was this mornings:

WE ARE HAVING A "HEAT WAVE"....not tropical because I live in Missouri.

It is June 11, 2016, and it was 100 degrees here today.  I actually realized I was a bit too tired and too hot this afternoon when I sat down in my porch swing to read and I felt shakey and dizzy.  Certainly at this age, 68, I should know better.  I enjoy being outdoors, but today I just overdid it.

To begin with, I was up at 4:00 A.M. as my husband and  grown son were leaving for their three week road trip...to the west coast, down California shoreline, and then back on Route 66.  I know it is a trip in a life time for them both.  I, should have taken my own advise, and gotten my husband out the door, and laid back down with our four little dogs.  However, they laid all around me in my recliner and I sat and read, and then knit some also.  At 7:00, I decided to watch some news on television and by 8:00 I was done with that, so went about my plans.

This time Roy is gone, I had also planned a long list of things for myself at home.  I got a trash bag, and went from one room to another and then in the basement and also the garage, clearing out little stuff.  Now our house is a neat and clean house, not clutter, but my thought is there is always something you can get rid of and I did, from some paper, to some unwanted things, and even took my kettles out of the cabinets in the kitchen.  I wanted to get rid of the teflon and get a set with ceramic which are better for you to cook in.

I had my eye on some at Bergners.  

After I did all of that, I started to get ready to head to town for a prescription.  I then headed to a further town, about 45 minutes away and hit Lowes for paint for the kitchen/dining room.  This is another plan while Roy is gone, to paint these rooms and see how long it takes him to notice they are a different color.  I went to Lowes, then to Bergners for my kettles, and then hurried over to get a few things at Hobby Lobby, and a few groceries at HyVee and also lunch from their deli to eat on the way home.  My first thought was to spend the day in Quincy just browsing, but I was tired, hot, and ready to head home.

That was all well and good, but when I got home, and things settled, I went for a walk, played with the dogs some in the shaded backyard, went swimming and laid on my mat in the pool for some time.  The heat was getting to me and I came in and got my nightgown on and just sat down in the porch swing when it hit me.  This silly woman just overdid and the day has already been a long one.  It was good, but I am beginning to see that maybe there is something seriously wrong with me....I got up to Quincy and was already ready to go home.  I did what I needed to do, but hurried about so to get back home to my dogs and my home life.  I enjoy my country life so much, the slow speed, the hobbies, the quiet.  I had had two days of people and should have stayed home today.  Something wrong...well, I change my mind on that one.  I think it is okay to like being home and having a quiet life.  I am glad I got enough groceries and things to do at home for some time.....and I should not have to head out again until next Saturday....I plan to skip my knitting circle on Tuesday.  The hermit life overcomes me at times.  But today I was a "hot hermit" and have learned better.

Reflections of my Retired Life:

This retirement is a good thing.  Even if I had hoped to work a few more years, I did not due to my health, and am glad for it.  I have had five years now of retirement as I am 68 and retired at 63.  It has been a nice journey, with thoughts, challenges and changes, but all lessons learned through it help me be the person I am.  The important thing is, even if I don't please everyone else, I am pleased with myself.  Many people can and don't ever say that, but I have learned that it is okay to like yourself.  It is not arrogant or selfish or evil.  It is a good thing.  

When I first retired, I was sick, and my heart was giving me problems.  I could hardly make it up the basement stairs and then they told me not to even try.  Years ago when being in an auto accident, they told me because of damage to arms and neck muscles, I would never knit or sew.  I worked at it and proved them a "good" wrong.  So I have knit since 12 and still knit for a total of 56 years, and I knit everyday also.  I also go up and down the stairs.  I do yoga, I swim, I walk, and I did camp for a few years after retirement.  I go on trips by myself, traveling by train and plane.  Life for this retired person is good.

People do invite me to many things.  I have tried some.  I did volunteering at the Humane Society and also was on the Friends of the Library and part of the book discussion group.  I belonged to a community group of women called the Centerrettes from Center, Missouri.  I also joined a knitting circle . I asked to volunteer at our little library to read to children or have a children's reading group.  The answer was no to anything suggested there so I soon realized I was not a welcome fit for the librarian.  It is a small community and a small library and I am still, after living in the area for 23 years, an outsider...."not from here" syndrome.  That is how it went with the local ladies' group also.  I volunteered my home, my talents, and gifts, and there was always something wrong with it.  So as time went on I begin to omit some of the things I was trying to do.  I quit the Centerrettes, but still have several good friends from it.  I did not go to the local little library any longer but just the library in Hannibal.  Eventually I quit the friends group as they had so many disagreements, and they were really not even associated with the national friends group.  I quit the book discussion group as they soon became just a session to argue.  There was only one other person besides me who turned in book suggestions for the next year's list.  We did have opportunity to do this, and many of our books were selected, but others complained that we had too much to say.  I got tired of grown people acting stupid, especially when they were not.  

Anyway, I found the same with going to yoga at the YMCA as the women spent the first 15 minutes of class talking about the management and how they had painted or changed our wonderful room.  Really, I did not need this either.  I can swim and do  yoga at home so am doing just that.  I missed the calm and meditation of what yoga is to be, but don't any longer.  My routine and time is greater and much more relaxed.

I still go to the Humane Society now and then but not weekly and this is a good thing.  They now have a full staff and good people so they do not need as many volunteers, but they are always happy when I stop down with food or just to pet animals or visit with them.  Now this is a good thing and it makes my heart happy as I have two wonderful dogs from there and my Daisy Mae Foxhound came from there also.

My knitting circle is interesting and I enjoy the woman.  I don't enjoy being in town for lots of hours as it is a day I also do errands and shopping, but doing so allows me to be home the other days, or having other days to go and do things with my husband.   I do have some struggles with some of the things one of the people says when I cannot be there, like tomorrow, I will not be there as I fell yesterday and plan to take it easy for a few days.  Plus, in the spring/summer months I have lots to do at home, so will save my good energy to do those things instead of running to town.  One person does not seem to understand and made a comment that when she heard about my fall, she figured as much that I would not be coming.  REALLY.  How about, hoping you are okay.  One of the good friends there is moving and I believe another will come visit and remain my friend even if I don't go.  The woman who made the comment is one that says she lives for her Tuesday.  I suppose I could understand that, but I live for each and every day I have.  I enjoy that time, but I enjoy my life.  I enjoy being home and I enjoy going when I want to.

Here lies the problem I believe.  I try different things, and if they do not work out too well, I can easily discontinue them as I am retired.  This is my time of life to enjoy myself.  When things become a hassle or stupid or selfish on others parts, I do not need to be involved.

Today I hurt from my fall in the garage, stupid as it was, it was a fall when I hit my head on the garage door that was not all the way up when I kept trying to walk throw it, while looking at my letters in hand instead of watching where I was going.  I was hit hard in the head, pushed back and hit the car with my hip, which then sent me to the concrete floor.  I landed flat and just laid there for a bit, with letters thrown all over the floor.  I got up and had to laugh at how well I bounced, but today I am sore and tired and glad nothing is broken.  I need to be home, do my things with my energy, time.

The bottom line is that this is my time, and I have only so much of it left and after giving and giving to others, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  I do not think it is because I don't like being social because I do.  I enjoy travel and shopping and talking with people and having company, but I also like doing things when I want to .  If I belong to something and don't want to go to it that one week, then I don't and I won't because someone thinks I should.  It makes me turn away from the whole thing.  Maybe it is that I have so many things I like and want to do.  I have said before that I quilt, read, write, paint, embroider, sew, knit, and having a circular sock machine now also for knitting.  I read lots and love to cook and bake.  I garden and swim and do yoga and walk.  I have four beautiful dogs.  I enjoy taking day trips with my husband and by myself also.  We usually go somewhere for the day once a week.  He goes in to the Y three mornings a week plus a coffee club.  My garden and potato patch and flowerbeds call me this time of year as does walking in the woods and playing outside with my dogs.  I believe you are never too old to play outside.

With all this said, I feel a bit better.  I have concluded that I am "not a stick in the mud" (and I do like walking in the creek and mud), but I am jealous of my time. 

Here's to me....I read a book a few years ago called "Your Best Yes"....and it was learning to say no.  I am retired, I am not tired.  I am social on my terms after years of dealing with everyone else's problems.  I like to travel and I like to be home.  I am artistic and I also can just sit and think.  More people should actually.  So, look out world, this retired older woman knows who she is and what she wants, and it is not to be locked into making someone elses day they live for.....but my days I live for.

Now, I am going out to swim.